Sunday, March 19, 2017


Dearest Buhari, 

I know you are back and I can just walk into the other room to chat with you but I like these letters. I think it is romantic for you to come home from work at 3 or 4pm to a letter from me leaning on the bedside stool. 

So I heard you got a letter from that short man who pretends to love you. Found it in the bin when I was doing spring cleaning. Somehow we missed it in the mail (even though I suspect that your uncle or one of our workers, trying to shield you from him, must have binned the letter.) If it wasn't that the letter was dated September 2016, I would have called him a copy cat who sends letters to you because I am sending letters to you. Maybe he thought you weren’t going to come back. Who knows. I laughed a lot when I read the letter and I am sure you would too. But since you are busy and really we don't have time to spend on that man, I will just give you the highlights so we can giggle together. 

First off, I believe he has been eyeing this home of ours. He wants to replace you and thinks that somehow if he comes as the friend of my darling he can dance his way to my heart. You know those men who say oh I am your husbands close friend, then tries to touch you inappropriately when your husband is not looking. He believes that you may not be able to take care of me for much longer and thinks that perhaps it is time to start coming close. 

He basically says that all of your workers and colleagues either lack humility or are stupid. I do not disagree with him, it is just that I thought as a man who has no humility himself I thought this arrogance would be a quality he cherished. It is like a Nigerian restaurant owner hating the smell of egusi soup. 

While we are on the issue of humility and your workers, why is one of the gatemen refusing to wear the uniform of the security company he works for? We know Hammed is an old soldier but he should not be proud. He agreed to man one of our gates and he should do his job properly. We can’t have other security men wearing their uniforms and Hameed acting like he is too big to wear a uniform. We are not interested in how he feels about the uniform. If he wants to man that gate he should not embarrass us. 

So the letter reminds me of one of my own concerns. The grass cutter guy. Your secretary. I know you have just returned and all but really darling, are we just going to let him continue acting as your secretary after he has stolen our money? We have all the papers that show that he lied and personally profitted from an errand that we gave him. If we do not handle this matter soon, other workers may think we are soft and try to steal from us too. 

Ehen, before I forget, the guys who help us interview our staff say that the guy who we wanted to employ to check if any of the workers have committed fraud keep insisting that he is unfit to work for us. And you know we engaged them because this is how we have agreed to run our house: professionally and democratically. If their consensus is that he is untrustworthy, shouldn't we just look for someone else? I heard that one of the security men sent a letter to say he heard the man is a thief. We do not know. There are many other fish in the sea. (But I don't want you to use that saying for me o! In your life, I am the only fish in the sea. In fact I am the only living creature). 

But wait o, this one that I am explaining this letter to you, maybe you have even read it. Have you read the letter and decided it wasn't worth your attention? Or did those your PA’s destroy bin it before it got to you? Now I am worried. Because if you have not read it how many other letters and memos have disappeared? Let us be careful o. That is how overzealous staff will make us lose letters.

I just want to say that I am here for you anytime. I don't care what the doctors say, you will always be my only true love. That guy who wrote that letter may have said some things that are true (except the funny part about humility, who is he trying to kid? Look how he treats the people who send him letters. He attacks them or tries to get them arrested or jailed. Petina.) but look he just wants to find his way to my heart. And how do you even begin making moves on someone’s lover when they are still around. You will recover fully my love and our love will grow stronger. 

Ps. Please this is another reminder about the grass cutter. Fire him please. it annoys me to see him everyday pretending like he is a clean godly worker. 

Pps. There is fura in the fridge in case you want something before I finish cooking. 



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