Sunday, April 30, 2017


Dearest Buhari, 

While your detractors cast aspersions on you in everything, all you have done since your return from London is show me how much you love me. You know I have been working from home since late 2012 and since we became a couple on May 29, 2015, I have remained at home while you have gone to the office and even travelled the world to make life better for both of us. And for this I am thankful. For all you have done for me, I am truly thankful. Now that the doctors have asked you to take it slow (I hope it has nothing to do with our love life), you have decided to work from home. Only last week you considered my feelings and asked your secretary who I have accused of theft to stop coming to work. And now this week you have decided to spend quality time at home. 

I will not ask you not to bring your files home. As long as you are here with me and I can see you all day, it is good enough for me. There is nothing so urgent at work that you cannot do from our home or even from the other room. You know we have the internet now and if they want they can always Skype you or send you documents via Dropbox. They keep complaining about the Federal Executive Council meeting which you have missed twice now. This is why your workers should learn how to use Skype. Can’t the Ministers just put a screen where your chair is and you Skype in from the bed? They don't need to see your entire body in bed. They only need to see your face. 

People worry too much. Your job as a Chief Executive does not include dancing on stage or heavy lifting. If you wanted to do a job that required your physical presence all the time, you would have become a petrol station attendant. And even that will soon change when we start building stations that have self service like the ones I saw when I was in America where you can just drive in swipe your card and fill up your tank without having to speak to another annoying human being who will ask you stupid questions or judge your clothes or hair or god forbid beg you for money. You are not a Nigerian petrol station attendant. You can work from wherever you like, even our bed. Your cabinet member, Shit-something - I forget now, the one in charge of communications… he should arrange virtual meetings. What is he waiting for? Even though I heard he is very religious and may be afraid of the internet just in case he is trying to download Skype and he mistakenly sees those pop-up ads with naked people asking if you want to meet hot women in your area. He might be afraid that this will ruin his relationship with God. But we must reassure him that he doesn't have to see pornography. Once he installs the appropriate ad blockers and avoids suspicious websites and Twitter accounts that have triple x’s in their names, like @Naijaxxx or @Ebonyxxx he and his relationship with the almighty will be fine. 

You know one of the benefits of working from home darling? I mean apart from the fact that we get to spend time together? You don't even have to shower when you Skype into work! You can just wash your face, do rub and shine like we used to do in school during harmattan when it was too cold to bath with cold water and we were too late to wait for our turn to use the stove to get hot water. You know, just wash your face and apply some cream. In fact, especially if you are sitting down, you can wear only a nice shirt, no one will know you don't have trousers or shoes on. I saw it once when I walked into in a television studio in Germany where one sports presenter was actually wearing shorts  and sneakers underneath his suit and tie. (I almost said “shower” above instead of “bath” but then I admonished myself not to lie about my humble beginnings. Because our bathroom growing up consisted of a tiny room with a hole through the wall that allowed water to flow out — like everyone in the area, we used buckets and little plastic bowls to take our bath. The closest thing to a shower we had was when it rained.)

Another advantage of working from home is that I can cook for you as you attend to files and you can smell the aroma from the kitchen, where, you know, I belong. 

I just hope these your cabinet people will grow some sense and all install Skype on their devices so that we can just move your office, maybe even permanently, to the house. You will never have to see their faces again. You won’t have to see that one that wears the red beret. 

Ps. Just a reminder about that guy whose children we killed. The Shiite man. I think it is time to let him go. Please think about it darling. Let us do justice by him. 

Pps. Also, I wanted to say I think we should send that Lai to Senegal, seeing as he thinks their jollof is better than ours, but I think his problems may originate from a deeper place. He might have grown up with wicked step brothers who spat in his jollof or maybe they didn't know how to cook at all in his family home. In any case, I think he needs therapy before he disgraces us further on international television. 

Yours lovingly,


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